The Struggle of Not Knowing What to Do in Life

I’m constantly wondering whether I’m on the right path in life.

When I was studying computer science full time, I felt like it wasn’t really what I want to do. And now that I’ve quit my studies, not a day has passed when I haven’t had second thoughts about the decision.

Like I said earlier, I’m splitting my time in half between programming and making music. It feels like a good thing to do but my head is in the distant future, occupied with whether I will regret my decisions afterwards.

Recently, I’ve been improvising a lot. It’s a way to get out of my head and materialize my thoughts and feelings. I try not to judge or control what comes out. Sometimes I might play the same chord progression over and over again for an hour. I feel it’s a process I need to go through at this point.

Sometimes these improvisations are no good. But sometimes I really like them. I don’t feel like I’ve composed them at all, they just come. Maybe it’s the subconscious or something we don’t understand yet. Anyway, I find it moving and refreshing.

Back to the topic. While it’s been great to jump back to making music, I still feel like I also need to follow the programming path. They both give me some sense of purpose. I don’t know what it is but all I can do is to hope that some day I’ll find out.

I feel like an imposter. I don’t have a degree in anything. I have some studies in both music and computers but I’ve found formal education oppressive and self-education the most rewarding. Maybe I’m just lying to myself. What’s certain is that I’m not picking the easy path. However, it somehow feels like my path.

I don’t know if this makes any sense. The pain of uncertainty is sometimes unbearable. Yet I’m doing this. Who knows, maybe I’m ruining my life. But what if I’m not? What if this is meant to be? Only time will tell.

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