The Struggle of Not Knowing What to Do in Life

I’m constantly wondering whether I’m on the right path in life.

When I was studying computer science full time, I felt like it wasn’t really what I want to do. And now that I’ve quit my studies, not a day has passed when I haven’t had second thoughts about the decision.

Like I said earlier, I’m splitting my time in half between programming and making music. It feels like a good thing to do but my head is in the distant future, occupied with whether I will regret my decisions afterwards.

Recently, I’ve been improvising a lot. It’s a way to get out of my head and materialize my thoughts and feelings. I try not to judge or control what comes out. Sometimes I might play the same chord progression over and over again for an hour. I feel it’s a process I need to go through at this point.

Sometimes these improvisations are no good. But sometimes I really like them. I don’t feel like I’ve composed them at all, they just come. Maybe it’s the subconscious or something we don’t understand yet. Anyway, I find it moving and refreshing.

Back to the topic. While it’s been great to jump back to making music, I still feel like I also need to follow the programming path. They both give me some sense of purpose. I don’t know what it is but all I can do is to hope that some day I’ll find out.

I feel like an imposter. I don’t have a degree in anything. I have some studies in both music and computers but I’ve found formal education oppressive and self-education the most rewarding. Maybe I’m just lying to myself. What’s certain is that I’m not picking the easy path. However, it somehow feels like my path.

I don’t know if this makes any sense. The pain of uncertainty is sometimes unbearable. Yet I’m doing this. Who knows, maybe I’m ruining my life. But what if I’m not? What if this is meant to be? Only time will tell.

So They Fall

Last week I quit school.

Everything was fine on the outside, but deep inside I wasn’t happy. Since I started my studies a year ago, I’ve been unsure of whether it’s the right path for me.

It’s been great to learn new things but the curriculum wasn’t for me. I want to carve my own path instead of following a system made by someone else.

I’ve also had to put music aside because the studies have taken all my time. It’s sad because music has been such a central part of my life since I was ten. I’ve had some mental issues recently, and I think they’re at least partly due to ignoring my creative flow.

Now I’m dividing my time in half between music and coding. In the morning I’ll learn new music and try to make some of my own, and in the afternoon I’ll study some programming and create websites as a freelancer.

Here’s a new song I made today. It’s about autumn.

A Lot to Do

Today I finished my part of a physics pair report. There was also a lot of catching up with my reading and still quite some left.

Things are beginning to pile up but I’m pretty sure it’s going to get better with time and routine.

Touring the City

Today I made progress in yet another physics assignment. Most of the day, however, I spent touring the city with my wife and her parents. That included some great pizza and many fun moments.